Eliminate Stress by Learning to Say NO!

ELIMINATE STRESS & PANIC ATTACKS By Luisa Martinez (Page 3)

It's a huge problem for overly 'stressed out' people... NOT being able to say "No" when they need to. There's no reason why you have to say "Yes" to everyone.

In fact, there are often many times when you should turn them down. If you find yourself agreeing to do things when you really don't want to, you're a people pleaser. In general, this isn't a bad trait to have, but it can be a huge stressor.

Are You a People Pleaser?

People pleasers think of other people's needs before their own. They worry all the time about what other people think, want or need, and spend a lot of time doing things for others. They rarely do things for themselves, and feel guilty when they do.

People pleasers hold back from saying what they really think, or from asking what they want if they think it will upset someone. Yet they often spend time with people who don't consider their needs at all. In fact, people pleasers often feel driven to make insensitive or unhappy people feel better - even at the detriment to themselves.

Constantly trying to please other people is draining and many people pleasers feel anxious, worried, unhappy, and tired a lot of the time. They may not understand why no one does anything for them, when they do so much for others - but they often won't ask for what they need.

This is the trap I fell into. I found myself always agreeing to do for others but when I needed those same people to help ME out, they were curiously occupied.

It's painful being a people pleaser - believe me, I know! Not only are they very sensitive to other people's feelings and often take things personally, but also, they rarely focus on themselves.

When they do take a moment for themselves, they feel selfish, indulgent, and guilty which is why they are often on the go, rushing to get things done.

But here's the crunch!.. because people pleasers accomplish so much and are easy to get along with, they are often the first to be asked to do things - they are vulnerable to be being taken advantage of.

It All Stems From Childhood

People pleasers were most likely raised in homes where their needs and feelings were not valued, respected, or considered important.

They were often expected as children to respond to or to take care of other people's needs. Or they may have been silenced, neglected, or otherwise abused, thus learning that their feelings and needs were not important.

In many cultures, girls are raised to be people pleasers - to think of others' needs first, and to neglect their own. Many women have at least some degree of people pleasing in them. Men who identified with their mothers often do as well.

Their focus is mostly on others and away from themselves. They often feel empty, or simply don't know - how they feel, what they think, or what they want for themselves.

I managed to learn how to break out of this cycle, and It's easier than you think!

Practice saying 'NO'

First, practice saying NO. This is a very important word! Say it as often as you can, just to hear the word come out of your mouth. Say it out loud when you are alone.

Practice phrases with NO in them, such as, "No, I can't do that" or "No, I don't want to go there". Try it for simple things first, and then build your way up to harder situations.

Stop saying YES all the time. Try to pause or take a breath before responding to someone's request. You may want to answer requests with "I need to think about it first, I'll get back to you" or "Let me check my schedule and call you back".

Use any phrase that you feel comfortable with that gives you a little time before you automatically respond with YES.

Take small breaks, even if you feel guilty. You won't always feel guilty, but most likely in the beginning you will. Remember that your mental health is important to you and is well worth the aggravation you may have to take from others.

Start Asking Others For Favors

Ask someone to help you with something. I know this is a hard one but you can do it! After all, everyone else is asking YOU for favors, why shouldn't YOU ask THEM?

Just be tolerant if they turn you down. Just because you have always told them "Yes" doesn't mean they always have to tell you "Yes".

Check in with how you feel and what you are thinking. It's important to be aware of these things; they're part of who you are. And then try saying what you feel and think more often. Just remember to have a little decorum in certain situations.

Many people pleasers believe that nobody will like them if they stop doing things for other people. If someone stops liking you because you don't do what they ask, then you're just being used by them and probably don't want them as a friend anyway.

People will like you for who you are and not simply for what you do. It's within your reach to change - one small step at a time!

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